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  #31  
Old 10-18-2021, 09:25 PM
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A loving Grand Dad


A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long......easy, boy." > > Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William...... just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." >

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy......don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather,

"But I'm William...... that little %%%%%%%s name is Kevin."
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  #32  
Old 10-19-2021, 05:49 PM
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An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

For all you grandpas out there make sure you have your hearing aids turned up! OldDave
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  #33  
Old 10-21-2021, 06:48 PM
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A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for
death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."


This would be my luck too! OldDave
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  #34  
Old 10-21-2021, 07:07 PM
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Old Dave those were great. I stole them.
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  #35  
Old 10-21-2021, 07:14 PM
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Old Dave those were great. I stole them.
What he said!
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  #36  
Old 10-22-2021, 10:27 PM
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Ole...Man of da house


Ole had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your
House."

The following morning he vent over to his wife in the kitchen
and announced,

"From now on Lena, you need to know dat I am da man of
dis house and my vord iss Law! You vill prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
vhen I'm finished
eating my meal, you vill serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs vitt me and... vell... you get
da point.

"Later, you're going to draw me a batt so I can relax. You
vill vash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.... Den, you vill
massage my feet and hands. Den tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

Without even looking up from her breakfast Lena replied,
"Da funeral director vould be my first guess."


Anyone of Norwegian descent has heard their share of Ole and Lena jokes---OldDave
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  #37  
Old 10-22-2021, 10:33 PM
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Doesn't fit the title but funny.



Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what you can do for my dog. He’s really aggressive and tries to bite me and everyone. Do you train dogs here or something?”

Me: “No, sir, but I can refer you to a trainer.”

Customer: “I don’t have time for that! I need advice now. What do you think I should do?”

Me: “Well, sir, is he a show dog?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you going to use him for breeding?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I would suggest that you have him neutered as a first step; it will help calm him down. Also, enroll him in an obedience class. That will–”

Customer: “Neuter him? You mean cut his balls off!?”

Me: “Well…”

Customer: “G**d***it, that’s so typical! All you feminist Nazis all just wanna cut off all us men’s balls!”

(Just then, the main veterinarian comes out from the back to see what the yelling is about.)

Veterinarian: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I’ll tell you what! That girl there suggested I get his balls whacked off!”

Veterinarian: “Now, [My Name], I’ve told you before we don’t treat exotic animals here, haven’t I?”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Veterinarian: “Well, let’s not have this happen again…” *turns back to the customer* “I am sorry, sir. We normally do not treat large apes, but since my person here already told you we do, I’ll honor it. When would you like to make the appointment?”

Customer: *storms out*

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  #38  
Old 10-23-2021, 11:56 PM
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MAMA'S BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL 600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama
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  #39  
Old 10-24-2021, 03:28 AM
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My wife is hysterical
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  #40  
Old 10-24-2021, 07:12 AM
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Old farmer won a million dollar lottery. When asked what he was going to do with the winnings he replied, "Farm until it is gone."
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  #41  
Old 10-24-2021, 09:44 AM
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Old farmer won a million dollar lottery. When asked what he was going to do with the winnings he replied, "Farm until it is gone."
That one is more true than a joke.
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  #42  
Old 10-24-2021, 09:47 AM
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That one is more true than a joke.
Behind every successful rancher is.... a wife with a paying job in town.
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  #43  
Old 10-24-2021, 12:41 PM
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Wait 'till you reach this stage.
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  #44  
Old 10-24-2021, 12:44 PM
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Has anyone seen the new Senior GPS? It not only tells you where you are going it tells you why you went.
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  #45  
Old 10-24-2021, 01:53 PM
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Sound familiar
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